THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS A BLITHERING IDIOT

This morning, after a few sips of coffee, I turned on the news. It’s not that I’m a masochist, I’m just curious to see if the world is on the verge of blowing up and whether it’s worth exercising or sticking to my diet. I was greeted by Trump on the White House lawn, backed up by guys in hard hats. Not my favorite morning visual. I do not enjoy waking up to his fat, dumb face any more than Melania did.

Apparently, he was there to announce that two new flagpoles were being put up on the north and south lawns. Not exactly the kind of event one would think the president was needed to announce. Certainly someone in his cabinet who’s not busy fucking up military birthday parades, broadcasting attack plans on a group chat, or yawning during military birthday parades could have presided over the event.

But, Trump did the announcement, using the moment to descend into his version of “the weave,” which was his attempt at re-branding the fact that he rambles incoherently, irrationally flitting from one topic to another because he has the attention span and message discipline of a special needs child, along with the fact that his very large brain can only accommodate around ten words or phrases at a time, and they circle around in his head like horses on a carousel. You can almost hear the calliope music accompanying it.

He talked about the flagpoles themselves, calling them the “greatest flagpoles” ever. He stated that they’d be putting up the poles in a very short amount of time, but then tripped into a cheeky non-sequitur, alluding to the fact that he could have used the word “erect” to describe putting up flagpoles, but that he’d get into trouble, then grinned over his private enjoyment of making a dick joke on the White House lawn. Completely appropriate. Completely necessary. Totally on-point.

He then referenced the hard hat guys behind him, noting that one of them had movie star looks and could probably become a famous actor in Hollywood if he got discovered by a big producer. This lead him to note that it probably wouldn’t be Harvey Weinstein, as he’s got his own troubles right now. Again, no sane reason to go there, but that’s just how his mind works. Flagpole…erect…movie star… Harvey Weinstein.

Then, as the word carousel came around again, he launched into an unhinged rant about the Fed Chairman being a stupid person because he was refusing to raise interest rates. This lead to his other familiar run about someone coming up to him, saying, “Sir, there’s too much money coming into the treasury and we don’t know where it’s coming from!” Trump then assured this fictitious sycophant that all the extra money was from the tariffs being such a huge success, and that the Biden years were a disaster with inflation, “like nobody’s ever seen” but because of his tariffs the treasury is now rolling in billions if not trillions of dollars.

This lead him around to Biden and the auto-pen riff, that Biden had no idea what was going on and that his people were concocting executive orders and using the auto pen to sign them.

This lead him to a run on Iran and that he “may or may not bomb their nuclear facilities,” and that he actually has no idea what he’s going to do, but then called for the “complete and total surrender” of Iran. This is his new favorite phrase, probably something he picked up from some random World War II footage of the Japanese surrender.

But this is his “art of the deal” negotiating style, which is such a mass of poker tells, he wouldn’t survive five minutes at a Vegas tournament. It’s always the same. Make wild, extravagant demands, deliver bellicose rhetoric and insist that his position is non-negotiable. Then wait for your opponent to cave and offer a compromise, making it appear as if you’ve struck a deal. It’s like asking to date someone’s 14-year-old daughter and, after her parents object, give in by saying, “Ok, I’ll wait ‘til she’s 15.” This is what we’ve been witnessing with all the tariff negotiations as he pulls numbers out of his ass like a magician unraveling a stream of colored handkerchiefs, then declaring success.

This impromptu press conference was just another long, strange trip on the merry-go-round of half-baked thoughts, pet phrases, bullshit, and lies that pass for a Trump presidential speech.

But then, in an even more surreal moment, the broadcast returned to the studio and the commentators launched into an in-depth look at what an attack on Iran’s nuclear sites would look like and what kind of bomb would be necessary to do the job. There was no mention of his schoolboy chuckling over the word “erect,” the mention of Harvey Weinstein, or calling the Secretary of the Treasury “a stupid person.” Not one comment about the seemingly terrifying fact that the President of the United States and commander in chief of the military is a raging imbecile, with the brains of a hamster and the temperament of a spoiled child.

This is the most terrifying thing of all. It’s not that he’s threatening to bomb Iran, or sending military troops into American cities, claiming they’ve been occupied by illegal immigrants, or that his miracle tariffs have already led to an influx of trillions of fictitious dollars. It’s that we’ve normalized this shit.

We have just hit the 10-year anniversary of his escalator descent, and the madness of his “Mexico is sending drugs, crime, and rapists” to our country. It should have been obvious from the start that this person was deranged. But we elected him. Not just once. But twice. And almost three times. Trump is a living tribute to American stupidity. Only a real shithole country would hand this idiot presidential power.